(nice dreams)

I had a weird dream last night. For those of you who don't know last night was Wrestlemania. Don't worry, I didn't watch it or anything but I think it provides the genesis for my dream.

In the dream I was at some sort of pro wrestling event in a high school gym. I remember I had to pay 30 cents to park in some guys yard. I thought it was a pretty good deal. Anyhow I arrived at the event and I noticed there were a ton of people from high school there, including our valedictorian.

After paying 30 cents for parking and seeing the valedictorian you would think the dream had reached maximum weirdness but then the opening act for the wrestling show was called "6 Guitar Attack." Six Guitar Attack or 6GA as I like to call them was just six guys with different shaped guitars. No one had a bass or anything - the guitars were just different shapes. Anyhow, they decided to open with George Michael's "Faith." The crowd booed and I remember thinking/saying "I don't think it's a good idea to open up a wrestling show with a George Michael song."

After the opening act I was tasked to interview one of the wrestlers in the parking garage. The parking garage was more like a series of underground tunnels connecting the city. I couldn't find the wrestler but I was chased by crazy homeless through the Blair Witch basement style setting.

So, to sum up, Pro-wrestling, High School, 6GA, Crazy Homeless. What would Dr. Freud say?

Vegas

Here's a post I put up over at Five Hundy by Midnight about a recent trip to Vegas. It's just about two of the lower limit casinos downtown I spent a lot of time in.

- Gold Spike

The walk here isn’t that bad. Walk down the side of Neonopolis at the end of the canopy on Fremont. Don’t be completely terrified by the casino - you’ll know it because it is incredibly small and the marquee says “Breakfast.” There are actually three blackjack tables but only two are running and the minimum bet is $2 and the max is $100; you cannot enter until a shuffle has taken place.

Honestly, I thought this place was a blast and I don’t work for cheapovegas.com. I met some locals/tourists who were friendly and fun. I was in town for a job interview and the others would toast to my prospects at getting the job (I didn’t, but how lucky do you think the people at Gold Spike are?)

Word to the wise, avoid the bathroom if you can. If you’re a guy, it’s fine - sort of like a VFW bathroom, but when I was in there two guys were fighting and a bottle was broken on the floor. One of them asked me “Should I hit this guy or buy him a drink?” I said “Buy him a drink,” and they left together. I shudder to think what would have happened if I chose the other option. I didn’t use the women’s bathroom, but I don’t know if I would take a lady here or at least I would take her somewhere else to use the restroom.

In conclusion, you MUST go here at least to have the experience.

- The El Cortez

The walk to El Cortez is moderately sketchy (how many pawn shops can one block support?), but it’s really not too bad, esp. during the day. If you’ve ever walked down city streets you should be fine.

As for the El Co itself, ehhh, I’ll take the Gold Spike. The gambling is more expensive and the crowd is more surly and less crazy. I’ll take the crazy. I spent 3 hours at Gold Spike walked over to El Co and spent 15 minutes there. I then walked back to the Gold Spike to sit down with the same crazy locals/tourists I sat with for three hours before. It was some of the most fun I’ve had in Vegas.

As a quick note - the Four Queens now always has one $2 BJ table going (8 deck shoe; but still 3:2 on naturals). Also, they deal $5 single and double (cards face down for tactile fun) deck with 3:2. Head to Las Vegas club for $5 weirdo rule blackjack.

The Gym

As a general rule I try to spend a limited amount of time at the gym. However, in an effort to slow my slide towards corpulence I've been trying to go more lately. In my travels I've noticed one disturbing phenomena.

The amount of nudity a man is willing to tolerate in the locker room is a function of age. When I was in middle school everybody would change in the most discrete way possible . . . shirts would remain off only as long as absolutely necessary. As I get older I really don't care if I sit there for a second without my shirt on - I've figured out no one is really judging me.

However, I hope I never get to the day when I am happy to just walk around naked as the day I was born. Every, and I mean every older man in my gym feels this is his god given right, nay, responsibility. If I could power my car with old man ass I would park it next to the locker room every day, because it is not a scarce resource. I don't even understand what they are doing. They don't seem to be heading towards the shower because they don't even have a towel. I don't know if it's the actual event itself or the knowledge I myself one day will be compelled to do this that scares me the most.

New Drink

I think you should be able to mix Miller High Life and Orange Juice and call it the Mimosa of Beers.

Fast Food Thoughts

I have to say I like fast food even though I know consuming a salt lick and taking a punch to the heart would be just as good for me. In order my favorites are probably

1. Chipotle
2. Taco Bell
3. Wendy's
4. McDonald's
5. Jimmy John's

But that's besides the point. Here are three recent thoughts I've had about fast food:

1) Everyone who works at my local Jimmy John's is high. Everyone. I have not met a single employee who is not completely stoned at work. They work slowly, make the wrong sandwich, stare blankly and cannot even roll the paper around the sandwich properly. Even better, they don't label the sandwich. I can't fault them for it because I assume they just forget what the sandwich is by the time it reaches the end of the assembly line.

2) Why is it a big deal every time McDonald's has bacon? They always make a huge deal about it - it's usually their special sandwich of the month. Quick, name another restaurant that serves a hamburger that does not offer at least the option of bacon on that hamburger. You can't name one except McDonald's. They serve bacon at breakfast! I don't see why this transfer is a big deal.

Side note about McDonald's - I was checking out their website for bacon sandwich related information (they didn't have any) - and I clicked on their "fun section." It contains the strangest racist pandering I've ever seen including "365 Black" and "i am asian." "365 Black" I can't figure out except for they add McDonald's to quotations such as, "I once heard a story, 'Whatever blooms from the Baobab is given back to the Earth, because the mighty tree never forgets its roots.' Like the mighty Baobab, McDonald's and I will not be moved." What?!! Also, they give out free ringtones. Nice.

Even more odd is "i am asian" which just goes to a picture of an apartment you can sort of move around. You can tell they are asian because there is a laptop or something.

3) Why does ever fast food restaurant advertise they can make the burger any way you want? It used to be Burger King's thing but sure enough everyone does it now including the brilliant Wendy's spot wherein generic fast food workers sing "Love the one you're with" when someone complains about their burger toppings. This all implies (does not beg) the question: What fast food restaurant will only serve the burger one way, giving you a big "screw you" when you try to order anything different? It's like Duracell advertising "With our product many products you thought you might have to plug in become mobile! Change your TV channel without getting up!" Can you really advertise something about your product that is no different from other products? Apparently you can.

The Ultimate Warrior

For those of you who don't remember the Ultimate Warrior, this probably won't mean very much. If you just have a hazy memory check this out.

What you may not now, or at least I didn't, is that the Ultimate Warrior (his actual legal name now just "Warrior" because adding Ultimate would just be egomaniacal) has his own website.

Please check it out.

I bet you had no idea Warrior was a conservative speaker. I sure didn't. Anyhow, in the future I will be hopefully delving into Mr. Warrior's website to bring you kernels of wisdom and humor.

Way to Go Solich!

The coaches made their voting public for the first time. One oddity that stood out:

"Ohio coach Frank Solich placed LSU fifth, 10 spots ahead of Georgia, which beat the Tigers 34-14 in the Southeastern Conference championship Saturday."

Ohio coach Frank Solich also was busted for drunk driving last week. Seems like he's got his head in the game.

Great Infomercials

I was watching television very late and came upon two of my favorite infomercials so I thought I should write some reviews.

1. "Girls Gone Wild Games"

You've probably seen this one as the GGW guy is pretty popular. If you haven't, the plot line for this new commercial advertising the newest GGW DVD is that the GGW guy is auditioning girls to come to his "island" to compete with one another in a variety of titillating games. Hmmmm.

I just give up on GGW with this one. Let's trace the GGW trajectory.

Beginning: Girls at Mardi Gras get drunk and take off their tops --> I'll buy it.
Middle: Girls at Mardi Gras get drunk with Snoop Dogg and/or Doug Stanhope from "The Man show" --> Seems likely.
Cresting: Sorority girls make out with each other at the sorority house --> I'm skeptical.
Pure Fantasy: Girls try out to compete against one another for the GGW guy's amusement at a private island where they workout in cheerleader uniforms and make out with each other --> They're not even trying to be real anymore.

The problem with GGW is that he just kept upping the ante. At a certain point it loses what made it magical - the real girls.

2. "Extenz"

This commercial advertises an all natural male enhancement with a money back guarantee. There are four things I love about this infomercial.

1. It is a weird meta-infomercial in that it highlights all of the other infomercials they've done which are fake talk-show like commercials. Has anyone ever done a post-modern infomercial or is this the first to deconstruct itself?

2. They feature a "sex expert," who is literally just a porn star in glasses. Her blank stare is indescribable. In fact, Ron Jeremy says "Didn't you help write a sex column for Hustler?" She looks at him totally blank and answers "No." He is actually quite shocked and just stares at her until she mumbles something about advising for a column at some point in the past. I have no idea why they didn't do a second take.

3. Their expert opinion on the pills comes from a male porn star who happened to get a degree in Physics from Texas A & M. He confidently asserts, "The science seems to make a lot of sense." You see, these pills don't work on chemistry, they work on physics! F=ma indeed. (That's Force = Mass x Acceleration)

4. My favorite. Despite the general adultness of the subject matter, the commercial refers to to the Extentz' anatomical subject as the "man's special area." I don't know any guy who has ever talked about his "special area." I think wang is more dignified. And they say it over and over and over again - at least once every thirty seconds.

As usual feel free to leave comments or shoot me an e-mail at global.esoterica@hotmail.com

Chocolate Milk as Human Fuel

I saw a truck today parked during a delivery that had a bottle of chocolate milk on the side with the words, "Cool. Body. Fuel." on the side of the truck.

This does not seem to be a good advertising technique. Does anyone believe milk is any way "body fuel?" When I think of body fuel I think of gatorade, water, and on the periphery orange juice or coffee. But chocolate milk? Especially, bottled chocolate milk, which is usually Vitamin D or Whole Milk. It is basically a thin milk shake.

I mean, can you imagine chugging a chocolate milk during a break in a pick up basketball game? Could you see this in a commercial? A dude sweating bullets runs over to the sideline and chugs a bottle of whole milk? I doubt he would feel as if he had just "fueled up." I think the more likely response is a stomach cramp or worse.

Though I doubt the FDA regulates what is and is not "human fuel," I am pretty sure no one is buying the chocolate milk argument.

If you disagree feel free to e-mail me at global.esoterica@hotmail.com

U2 Concert Review

Below is a concert review I wrote for the U2 concert in Chicago I attended in May. I thought it was pretty fun and I stand by everything I wrote.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Everyone. I attended the U2 concert on Saturday, May 7 in
Chicago, and I thought I would write a review.

Opening Act - Kings of Leon - Horrible. These dudes played
what sounded like the same song about 9 times, but the crowd
was pretty polite and they thanked us for being so nice.

U2

Love & Peace - Decent Opener. Bono played the drums. The
band starts out by walking around the stage and shining giant
lights on the crowd while voices overhead just keep saying
"Everyone." I'm not wild about this song, but it could be a
worse opener.

Veritgo - Ummm, this actually didn't go well. Bono was clearly
tired from drumming on most of Love & Peace and just talked
off most of the lyrics. This song is too fast for him (42) to sing
in concert.

Elevation - This is the first song the crowd really got into. I
don't like this song on ATYCLB but it works really well live and
has a nice slower start.

An Cat Dubh/Into the Heart - Woah. A song from Boy. This
was really fun though 75% of the crowd had no idea what was
going on. Bono spends 2 minuts crawling along like a cat.
Weird.

City of Blinding Lights - Great special effects on this song. This
song is fun and would be/is a better opener at most of their
shows on this tour.

Beautiful Day - I guess if you like this song, this was a good
performance of it. I don't like this song very much though.

Miracle Drug - This song was pretty good. However, I don't
think it will make it on any other tours.

Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own - This was
awesome. For anyone who doesn't know this song was written
for Bono's father's funeral. It was the most emotional moment
of the night, and on a night where Bono's voice sounded a little
tired, he hit the "Can you hear me when I SING" note for what
felt like a minute. He also took off his shades so you could
really see what this song means to him.

New Years Day - I love this song. The crowd loves this song.
Clearly the band loves this song. It really worked

Sunday Bloody Sunday - See above.

Bullet the Blue Sky - During this song Bono pulls a bandana
over his head and pretends to be some sort of hostage being
shot. It's weird, but pretty cool. He really snarls through this
song and that is a good thing.

Running to Stand Still - This is a great song. Edge fucks up the
chords on the keyboard and this seems to irritate Bono.
However, the song ends with children reading the UN
Decleration of Human Rights which works pretty well.

Pride - Who doesn't love this song? However, the crowd sings it
so loud you can't really hear Bono, but that's okay.

Where the Streets Have No Name - Probably my least favorite
song from Joshua Tree. I never liked this song, so I'm biased. I
would've preferred And I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking
For or Red Hill Town or With or Without You. You get the point.

One - Great version of a great song. Bono plays the guitar and
seems to find his voice again on this song.

Encore: For the Encore the band does a mini ZooTV tour,
complete with the ZooTV Lemon Head character and Bono
coming out and goosestepping in military uniform. Fun

Zoo Station - Damn Achtung Baby was a better album than
How To Dismantle an Atmoic Bomb. Plus, with all the distrotion
on the mic on this song, I think I could sing it, so you can't tell
Bono is getting tired.

The Fly - Yes. It's like being transported to a more daring and
more fun version of the ZooTV tour.

Mysterious Ways - I wish this song would die. The crowd loves
it, I've never thought it was very good and it just sounds tired.

All Because of You - Hmm. This is okay, but playing Achtung
songs first hurts it.

Yaweah - I can live without this song, but hey, it sounds better
live played on an acoustic guitar than on the album.

40 - This is awesome. Basically a crowd sing along. The crowd
sings long after the band leaves and the house lights go up. I
can't imagine a concert by any other band playing any better.

Summary - Well, it was great. I know I had some criticisms,
but I thought that would be more fun to read than just some
gushing about the concert. Overall, I wish it was a little more
exciting, but the new album is not that exciting.

Songs I wish They Would've Played - You're So Cruel, Red Hill
Town, Staring at the Sun, If God Will Send his Angels, Zooropa,
Lemon, Stay (So Faraway, So Close), In a Little While, Stuck in
a Moment

America We are One

This is a great link someone wonderful sent me. Check it out and come back so these rhetorical questions make sense.

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2668123?htv=12

1) What was the wind machine budget for this video? Seriously, in every scene this guy has the wind buffeting his jacket, his flag, his lion-mane of hair.

2) Who let him on the playground? Imagine you are an elementary school teacher and this guy comes up to you with his "America" jersey and 80's hair. "Hey, I'm filming a video about America. Do you mind if I set up my giant wind machine and wander through the kids during recess?" In what scenario do you say yes?

3) Do you think anyone saw him filming this? You look up and this guy is on a rock singing his terrible song with his equally long-haired buddy blowing a giant wind machine in his face. I don't know if I would laugh, run, or salute him.

In all honesty, I'm not sure if this is sincere or not. I have it on good word by most evidence it is sincere, so I'm going with that. If it's not the joke is on me. Also, if it's not just pretend it was and enjoy my comments.

In case people don't know I've turned the comments back on. Also, feel free to shoot an e-mail to global.esoterica@hotmail.com.