Global Esoterica

(nice dreams)

2006-04-03T07:14:00.000-05:00

I had a weird dream last night. For those of you who don't know last night was Wrestlemania. Don't worry, I didn't watch it or anything but I think it provides the genesis for my dream.

In the dream I was at some sort of pro wrestling event in a high school gym. I remember I had to pay 30 cents to park in some guys yard. I thought it was a pretty good deal. Anyhow I arrived at the event and I noticed there were a ton of people from high school there, including our valedictorian.

After paying 30 cents for parking and seeing the valedictorian you would think the dream had reached maximum weirdness but then the opening act for the wrestling show was called "6 Guitar Attack." Six Guitar Attack or 6GA as I like to call them was just six guys with different shaped guitars. No one had a bass or anything - the guitars were just different shapes. Anyhow, they decided to open with George Michael's "Faith." The crowd booed and I remember thinking/saying "I don't think it's a good idea to open up a wrestling show with a George Michael song."

After the opening act I was tasked to interview one of the wrestlers in the parking garage. The parking garage was more like a series of underground tunnels connecting the city. I couldn't find the wrestler but I was chased by crazy homeless through the Blair Witch basement style setting.

So, to sum up, Pro-wrestling, High School, 6GA, Crazy Homeless. What would Dr. Freud say?

Vegas

2006-04-02T19:00:00.000-05:00

Here's a post I put up over at Five Hundy by Midnight about a recent trip to Vegas. It's just about two of the lower limit casinos downtown I spent a lot of time in.

- Gold Spike

The walk here isn’t that bad. Walk down the side of Neonopolis at the end of the canopy on Fremont. Don’t be completely terrified by the casino - you’ll know it because it is incredibly small and the marquee says “Breakfast.” There are actually three blackjack tables but only two are running and the minimum bet is $2 and the max is $100; you cannot enter until a shuffle has taken place.

Honestly, I thought this place was a blast and I don’t work for cheapovegas.com. I met some locals/tourists who were friendly and fun. I was in town for a job interview and the others would toast to my prospects at getting the job (I didn’t, but how lucky do you think the people at Gold Spike are?)

Word to the wise, avoid the bathroom if you can. If you’re a guy, it’s fine - sort of like a VFW bathroom, but when I was in there two guys were fighting and a bottle was broken on the floor. One of them asked me “Should I hit this guy or buy him a drink?” I said “Buy him a drink,” and they left together. I shudder to think what would have happened if I chose the other option. I didn’t use the women’s bathroom, but I don’t know if I would take a lady here or at least I would take her somewhere else to use the restroom.

In conclusion, you MUST go here at least to have the experience.

- The El Cortez

The walk to El Cortez is moderately sketchy (how many pawn shops can one block support?), but it’s really not too bad, esp. during the day. If you’ve ever walked down city streets you should be fine.

As for the El Co itself, ehhh, I’ll take the Gold Spike. The gambling is more expensive and the crowd is more surly and less crazy. I’ll take the crazy. I spent 3 hours at Gold Spike walked over to El Co and spent 15 minutes there. I then walked back to the Gold Spike to sit down with the same crazy locals/tourists I sat with for three hours before. It was some of the most fun I’ve had in Vegas.

As a quick note - the Four Queens now always has one $2 BJ table going (8 deck shoe; but still 3:2 on naturals). Also, they deal $5 single and double (cards face down for tactile fun) deck with 3:2. Head to Las Vegas club for $5 weirdo rule blackjack.

The Gym

2006-04-02T18:45:00.000-05:00

As a general rule I try to spend a limited amount of time at the gym. However, in an effort to slow my slide towards corpulence I've been trying to go more lately. In my travels I've noticed one disturbing phenomena.

The amount of nudity a man is willing to tolerate in the locker room is a function of age. When I was in middle school everybody would change in the most discrete way possible . . . shirts would remain off only as long as absolutely necessary. As I get older I really don't care if I sit there for a second without my shirt on - I've figured out no one is really judging me.

However, I hope I never get to the day when I am happy to just walk around naked as the day I was born. Every, and I mean every older man in my gym feels this is his god given right, nay, responsibility. If I could power my car with old man ass I would park it next to the locker room every day, because it is not a scarce resource. I don't even understand what they are doing. They don't seem to be heading towards the shower because they don't even have a towel. I don't know if it's the actual event itself or the knowledge I myself one day will be compelled to do this that scares me the most.

New Drink

2006-04-02T18:44:00.000-05:00

I think you should be able to mix Miller High Life and Orange Juice and call it the Mimosa of Beers.

Fast Food Thoughts

2006-01-14T13:21:00.000-05:00

I have to say I like fast food even though I know consuming a salt lick and taking a punch to the heart would be just as good for me. In order my favorites are probably

1. Chipotle
2. Taco Bell
3. Wendy's
4. McDonald's
5. Jimmy John's

But that's besides the point. Here are three recent thoughts I've had about fast food:

1) Everyone who works at my local Jimmy John's is high. Everyone. I have not met a single employee who is not completely stoned at work. They work slowly, make the wrong sandwich, stare blankly and cannot even roll the paper around the sandwich properly. Even better, they don't label the sandwich. I can't fault them for it because I assume they just forget what the sandwich is by the time it reaches the end of the assembly line.

2) Why is it a big deal every time McDonald's has bacon? They always make a huge deal about it - it's usually their special sandwich of the month. Quick, name another restaurant that serves a hamburger that does not offer at least the option of bacon on that hamburger. You can't name one except McDonald's. They serve bacon at breakfast! I don't see why this transfer is a big deal.

Side note about McDonald's - I was checking out their website for bacon sandwich related information (they didn't have any) - and I clicked on their "fun section." It contains the strangest racist pandering I've ever seen including "365 Black" and "i am asian." "365 Black" I can't figure out except for they add McDonald's to quotations such as, "I once heard a story, 'Whatever blooms from the Baobab is given back to the Earth, because the mighty tree never forgets its roots.' Like the mighty Baobab, McDonald's and I will not be moved." What?!! Also, they give out free ringtones. Nice.

Even more odd is "i am asian" which just goes to a picture of an apartment you can sort of move around. You can tell they are asian because there is a laptop or something.

3) Why does ever fast food restaurant advertise they can make the burger any way you want? It used to be Burger King's thing but sure enough everyone does it now including the brilliant Wendy's spot wherein generic fast food workers sing "Love the one you're with" when someone complains about their burger toppings. This all implies (does not beg) the question: What fast food restaurant will only serve the burger one way, giving you a big "screw you" when you try to order anything different? It's like Duracell advertising "With our product many products you thought you might have to plug in become mobile! Change your TV channel without getting up!" Can you really advertise something about your product that is no different from other products? Apparently you can.

The Ultimate Warrior

2006-01-14T13:02:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't remember the Ultimate Warrior, this probably won't mean very much. If you just have a hazy memory check this out.

What you may not now, or at least I didn't, is that the Ultimate Warrior (his actual legal name now just "Warrior" because adding Ultimate would just be egomaniacal) has his own website.

Please check it out.

I bet you had no idea Warrior was a conservative speaker. I sure didn't. Anyhow, in the future I will be hopefully delving into Mr. Warrior's website to bring you kernels of wisdom and humor.

Way to Go Solich!

2005-12-06T08:01:00.000-05:00

The coaches made their voting public for the first time. One oddity that stood out:

"Ohio coach Frank Solich placed LSU fifth, 10 spots ahead of Georgia, which beat the Tigers 34-14 in the Southeastern Conference championship Saturday."

Ohio coach Frank Solich also was busted for drunk driving last week. Seems like he's got his head in the game.

Great Infomercials

2005-12-06T07:16:00.000-05:00

I was watching television very late and came upon two of my favorite infomercials so I thought I should write some reviews.

1. "Girls Gone Wild Games"

You've probably seen this one as the GGW guy is pretty popular. If you haven't, the plot line for this new commercial advertising the newest GGW DVD is that the GGW guy is auditioning girls to come to his "island" to compete with one another in a variety of titillating games. Hmmmm.

I just give up on GGW with this one. Let's trace the GGW trajectory.

Beginning: Girls at Mardi Gras get drunk and take off their tops --> I'll buy it.
Middle: Girls at Mardi Gras get drunk with Snoop Dogg and/or Doug Stanhope from "The Man show" --> Seems likely.
Cresting: Sorority girls make out with each other at the sorority house --> I'm skeptical.
Pure Fantasy: Girls try out to compete against one another for the GGW guy's amusement at a private island where they workout in cheerleader uniforms and make out with each other --> They're not even trying to be real anymore.

The problem with GGW is that he just kept upping the ante. At a certain point it loses what made it magical - the real girls.

2. "Extenz"

This commercial advertises an all natural male enhancement with a money back guarantee. There are four things I love about this infomercial.

1. It is a weird meta-infomercial in that it highlights all of the other infomercials they've done which are fake talk-show like commercials. Has anyone ever done a post-modern infomercial or is this the first to deconstruct itself?

2. They feature a "sex expert," who is literally just a porn star in glasses. Her blank stare is indescribable. In fact, Ron Jeremy says "Didn't you help write a sex column for Hustler?" She looks at him totally blank and answers "No." He is actually quite shocked and just stares at her until she mumbles something about advising for a column at some point in the past. I have no idea why they didn't do a second take.

3. Their expert opinion on the pills comes from a male porn star who happened to get a degree in Physics from Texas A & M. He confidently asserts, "The science seems to make a lot of sense." You see, these pills don't work on chemistry, they work on physics! F=ma indeed. (That's Force = Mass x Acceleration)

4. My favorite. Despite the general adultness of the subject matter, the commercial refers to to the Extentz' anatomical subject as the "man's special area." I don't know any guy who has ever talked about his "special area." I think wang is more dignified. And they say it over and over and over again - at least once every thirty seconds.

As usual feel free to leave comments or shoot me an e-mail at global.esoterica@hotmail.com

Chocolate Milk as Human Fuel

2005-12-05T14:48:00.000-05:00

I saw a truck today parked during a delivery that had a bottle of chocolate milk on the side with the words, "Cool. Body. Fuel." on the side of the truck.

This does not seem to be a good advertising technique. Does anyone believe milk is any way "body fuel?" When I think of body fuel I think of gatorade, water, and on the periphery orange juice or coffee. But chocolate milk? Especially, bottled chocolate milk, which is usually Vitamin D or Whole Milk. It is basically a thin milk shake.

I mean, can you imagine chugging a chocolate milk during a break in a pick up basketball game? Could you see this in a commercial? A dude sweating bullets runs over to the sideline and chugs a bottle of whole milk? I doubt he would feel as if he had just "fueled up." I think the more likely response is a stomach cramp or worse.

Though I doubt the FDA regulates what is and is not "human fuel," I am pretty sure no one is buying the chocolate milk argument.

If you disagree feel free to e-mail me at global.esoterica@hotmail.com

U2 Concert Review

2005-12-03T11:25:00.000-05:00

Below is a concert review I wrote for the U2 concert in Chicago I attended in May. I thought it was pretty fun and I stand by everything I wrote.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Everyone. I attended the U2 concert on Saturday, May 7 in
Chicago, and I thought I would write a review.

Opening Act - Kings of Leon - Horrible. These dudes played
what sounded like the same song about 9 times, but the crowd
was pretty polite and they thanked us for being so nice.

U2

Love & Peace - Decent Opener. Bono played the drums. The
band starts out by walking around the stage and shining giant
lights on the crowd while voices overhead just keep saying
"Everyone." I'm not wild about this song, but it could be a
worse opener.

Veritgo - Ummm, this actually didn't go well. Bono was clearly
tired from drumming on most of Love & Peace and just talked
off most of the lyrics. This song is too fast for him (42) to sing
in concert.

Elevation - This is the first song the crowd really got into. I
don't like this song on ATYCLB but it works really well live and
has a nice slower start.

An Cat Dubh/Into the Heart - Woah. A song from Boy. This
was really fun though 75% of the crowd had no idea what was
going on. Bono spends 2 minuts crawling along like a cat.
Weird.

City of Blinding Lights - Great special effects on this song. This
song is fun and would be/is a better opener at most of their
shows on this tour.

Beautiful Day - I guess if you like this song, this was a good
performance of it. I don't like this song very much though.

Miracle Drug - This song was pretty good. However, I don't
think it will make it on any other tours.

Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own - This was
awesome. For anyone who doesn't know this song was written
for Bono's father's funeral. It was the most emotional moment
of the night, and on a night where Bono's voice sounded a little
tired, he hit the "Can you hear me when I SING" note for what
felt like a minute. He also took off his shades so you could
really see what this song means to him.

New Years Day - I love this song. The crowd loves this song.
Clearly the band loves this song. It really worked

Sunday Bloody Sunday - See above.

Bullet the Blue Sky - During this song Bono pulls a bandana
over his head and pretends to be some sort of hostage being
shot. It's weird, but pretty cool. He really snarls through this
song and that is a good thing.

Running to Stand Still - This is a great song. Edge fucks up the
chords on the keyboard and this seems to irritate Bono.
However, the song ends with children reading the UN
Decleration of Human Rights which works pretty well.

Pride - Who doesn't love this song? However, the crowd sings it
so loud you can't really hear Bono, but that's okay.

Where the Streets Have No Name - Probably my least favorite
song from Joshua Tree. I never liked this song, so I'm biased. I
would've preferred And I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking
For or Red Hill Town or With or Without You. You get the point.

One - Great version of a great song. Bono plays the guitar and
seems to find his voice again on this song.

Encore: For the Encore the band does a mini ZooTV tour,
complete with the ZooTV Lemon Head character and Bono
coming out and goosestepping in military uniform. Fun

Zoo Station - Damn Achtung Baby was a better album than
How To Dismantle an Atmoic Bomb. Plus, with all the distrotion
on the mic on this song, I think I could sing it, so you can't tell
Bono is getting tired.

The Fly - Yes. It's like being transported to a more daring and
more fun version of the ZooTV tour.

Mysterious Ways - I wish this song would die. The crowd loves
it, I've never thought it was very good and it just sounds tired.

All Because of You - Hmm. This is okay, but playing Achtung
songs first hurts it.

Yaweah - I can live without this song, but hey, it sounds better
live played on an acoustic guitar than on the album.

40 - This is awesome. Basically a crowd sing along. The crowd
sings long after the band leaves and the house lights go up. I
can't imagine a concert by any other band playing any better.

Summary - Well, it was great. I know I had some criticisms,
but I thought that would be more fun to read than just some
gushing about the concert. Overall, I wish it was a little more
exciting, but the new album is not that exciting.

Songs I wish They Would've Played - You're So Cruel, Red Hill
Town, Staring at the Sun, If God Will Send his Angels, Zooropa,
Lemon, Stay (So Faraway, So Close), In a Little While, Stuck in
a Moment

America We are One

2005-12-01T00:17:00.000-05:00

This is a great link someone wonderful sent me. Check it out and come back so these rhetorical questions make sense.

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2668123?htv=12

1) What was the wind machine budget for this video? Seriously, in every scene this guy has the wind buffeting his jacket, his flag, his lion-mane of hair.

2) Who let him on the playground? Imagine you are an elementary school teacher and this guy comes up to you with his "America" jersey and 80's hair. "Hey, I'm filming a video about America. Do you mind if I set up my giant wind machine and wander through the kids during recess?" In what scenario do you say yes?

3) Do you think anyone saw him filming this? You look up and this guy is on a rock singing his terrible song with his equally long-haired buddy blowing a giant wind machine in his face. I don't know if I would laugh, run, or salute him.

In all honesty, I'm not sure if this is sincere or not. I have it on good word by most evidence it is sincere, so I'm going with that. If it's not the joke is on me. Also, if it's not just pretend it was and enjoy my comments.

In case people don't know I've turned the comments back on. Also, feel free to shoot an e-mail to global.esoterica@hotmail.com.

Some Thoughts on MTV's Next

2005-11-30T16:11:00.000-05:00

I caught about three episodes of MTV’s “Next” last night and thought I should share some thoughts with you.

For those of you who don’t know, the concept of “Next” is pretty simple. There is one “dater” and five potential “dates.” The dates are kept in captivity on the black “Next” bus. The dater starts with one of the dates and hangs out with the person until he or she tires of them and calls out “Next” to get to the next person. The weird twist is the money. The dates receive one dollar for every minute they spend with the dater. So, if you are out there for 10 minutes you get 10 bucks. So pretty much no matter how well you do, you could do better answering one question on Jeopardy or guessing ‘S’ in Wheel of Fortune. Of course most of the people on the show could not answer the $100 question on Jeopardy or solve M-SS-SS-PP- on Wheel of Fortune.

On to the show notes!

1) When each contestant exits the “Next Bus” they deliver a terrible line to the effect of this, “Art will pick me because I can eat a banana in one bite.” Next to them is displayed some quick facts. Some of them make sense like, “Afraid of the Dark,” but others are just odd. Some I saw last night includes, “Pretends to be rodeo clown,” “Will eat cat food if you dare her.” But the best one is “Once had sex in a ’98 Cadillac Deville.” Ummm … yay?

2) One of the daters set up a contest for his dates. He asked them trivia questions like “Am I a Republican or Democrat.” The girl said, “Democrat,” and she was Nexted. On her way back she told the camera, “I don’t even know the difference.” At least with people like her procreating Jay Leno can do his “man on the street” routine into perpetuity. But less you think I am being mean to her for her lack of political savvy, she also deserves to be mocked for her appalling short-term memory. When she got back on the bus she related her story and told the girls, “Remember, he’s a republic.” I watched the show and he certainly was not “a political system in which the supreme power lies in a body of citizens who can elect people to represent them.”

3) Best conversation question of the shows. “So, do you like ice cream a lot?”

4) After a girl is Nexted the guy usually delivers some sort of put down. My favorite of the evening was about a girl named Alexandria. “I certainly won’t remember her as ‘Alexandria the Great.’”

5) The daters usually give some slogan about why they will win. My favorite: “She will pick me because I have the biggest balls . . . metaphorically.” First of all, that’s disgusting. Second, I’m glad he cleared up he was being metaphorical because I really though she was going to measure balls. Also, do girls judge guys on the size of their balls? Even if size does matter, I doubt a woman has ever said, “Look at him, I bet he has huge balls.” Gross.

6) Final Thought: “Next” is a dignity snuff film. You can’t believe these people are doing this, you can’t believe you’re watching it, and you need a shower when it is all said and done.

NEWSFLASH: Judge Alito's Mom

2005-11-26T19:23:00.000-05:00

I enjoy all of this handwringing over Judge Alito's position on abortion. First, it is not the only position that matters. Second, it's not as though his position on abortion is that big a secret, considering his political affiliation, prior statements, and past decisions. But that doesn't stop the Associated Press.

Today's piece of brilliance is entitled, "Alito's Abortion Stance Tough to Decipher." The article begins with normal hemming and hawing and of course quotes Judge Alito's mother who "outed" her son as pro-life. The best line comes after the quotation: "The nominee's 90-year-old mother, Rose Alito, has said of her Catholic son that "of course, he's against abortion." But that is her personal understanding, which is not always an accurate indicator of how a justice would vote."

So, the point of today's story: The 90-year-old Mrs. Alito is not an accurate indicator of how a justice would vote. Let's look at some other predications Mrs. Alito has been wrong about:

1. On Ruth Bader Ginsburg, "She looks like an old-fashioned woman of high class. I can only imagine she views abortion as wrong understanding it takes women out of the home."

2. On Justice Scalia, "Oh! A nice Italian boy. I look up to him so much I've taken to calling my son 'Scalito' because he will probably just do whatever that large-headed man says."

3. On Justice Souter, "Any boy who lives with his mother has to support the death penalty."

I am sure Judge Alito's mother is a fine, honorable woman. It is a shame the AP has taken this opportunity to slam her Court-prognostication skills.

A Trio of Experiences at the Indian Restaurant

2005-11-10T14:05:00.000-05:00

I went to my favorite Indian restaurant for the lunch buffet today and had three experiences – one depressing, one awesome, and one amusing, so I thought I would share them with you.

First, let me say I ate three full plates of food so any mistakes are a result of the food coma I am slipping into right now. But before I pass out, on to the experiences.

Depressing: This woman and what I assume was her father are at the buffet table. Her father is not that old, perhaps in his 60s. If you’ve been to a buffet you know the food is generally labeled and this restaurant is no exception. Despite this, and the fact this older guy was wearing what looked like not that thick glasses, his daughter insists on yelling the menu items to him. And boy does she simplify. “That’s peas!” – to a dish filled with maybe 5% peas and a unique and spicy sauce. “That’s spinach!” “That’s eggplant” “Those are fritters!” What? Are fritters a vegetable? I know for a fact that restaurant serves vegetable fritters – but the fritters in themselves are not a vegetable, and there was no what was in that container was fritters. Keep in mind all of this is happening with the menu cards about four inches from his face. His daughter also felt the need to inform him, “That’s rice! You can put things on top of it.” She was only about one step away from yelling, “That’s a plate! If you don’t use it you’ll be dropping the food on the floor!”

Awesome: Same woman, but this time her kid brought his A game. This dude is about five years old and he gets the Mango Milkshake. So far so good. I look over and this kid takes the shake down without ever pulling his lips off the straw. He just little kid chugged a milkshake! I was the only one that noticed, but he saw me and he knew I knew he was awesome. Now, is he going to pay for this later? Of course. No one can eat that much milkshake and get away with it. But it certainly falls into the Anchorman style, “What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing!” category. Way to go, kid. By the way, I think in the future if anyone does anything so outrageous you should be mad, but you just can’t be because it was so crazy, we should say, “He/She ate the whole wheel of cheese there.” This will catch on soon, I’m sure of it.

Amusing: The great thing about this Indian restaurant is there are always only two dudes working the floor. One guy, who has been there since I can remember is awesome. He is nice, fast, and generally a superb waiter. He is always paired with a rotating cast of dimwits. I usually don’t see the same guy more than a few times. One of the dimwits once asked me what kind of shoes I had (they were about 3 year old white Nikes) and then said, “I like your shoes.” I felt like I was in prison. The guy today was just terrible at his job. He seemed really focused on Windexing already clean tables instead of taking orders, filling drinks, or doing anything helpful. When I told him he forgot my Diet Pepsi he whispered “Sorry,” with this look on his face like “I know I’m dumb – just hang with me.” So, I’m pretty sure the restaurant is run by the really good guy and about 40 of his stupid extended family members.

So, that was too long, and I need to sleep.

As always send any comments to global.esoterica@hotmail.com

E-mail

2005-11-09T00:38:00.000-05:00

Please feel free to e-mail any comments or suggestions for topics you would like to see on the site to global.esoterica at hotmail.com. If there are any DVDs or books or odd pop cultute artifacts you would like me to take a look at just let me know and I'll see what I can do.

Don't Mess With Texas

2005-11-09T00:11:00.000-05:00

About 75% of Texans today voted to add a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage to their Constitution. Because this is not a political blog, per se, that is neither here nor there. What is great is this quote:

"Texans know that marriage is between a man and a woman, and children deserve both a mom and a dad. They don't need a Ph.D. or a degree in anything else to teach them that," said Kelly Shackelford, a leader of Texans For Marriage, which favored the ban.

Let's parse this statement into three sub-statements.

1. Texans support marriage between men and women.
2. Texans believe children need both a mom and a Dad.
3. Texans are uneducated.

It certainly seems like Mrs. (I'm assuming) Shackelford is biting the hand the feeds her the communion wafer. Let me re-cast her statement:

"Texans know that marriage is between a man and a woman, and children deserve both a mom and a dad. In addition, they are fucking stupid," said Kelly Shackelford, a leader of Texans for Marriage and Texans Don't Like Schoolin', which favored the band.

I especially love how she doesn't just attack the liberal elites with their Ph.Ds and what not. After all, Texans "don't need a degree in anything else." Anyways, congratulations Texas on earning your collective Hh.Ds - that's Homo Hatin' Degrees, y'all.

Toll Booth Attendant Karma

2005-11-04T17:12:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting experience on the road today and learned that if a toll booth attendant weirds you out it is inevitable you must weird out a toll booth attendant to preserve the balance of the universe.

My trip started with the toll booth attendant getting me. After I finished handing her my cash she kept the change in her hand and said, "You know they give out those Monopoly pieces, but they don't let you play the game anymore." Needless to say I was terrified and immediately thought about abandoning the nickel she owed me. I did figure out she saw I had a McDonalds bag on my passenger seat and remembered there is a McDonalds Monopoly game. So, her comment made sense but the fact she was yelling about it and seemed so angry still freaked me out. So, I took my change and instead of just mumbling a thanks for a reason I cannot understand YELLED back "Yeah, that sucks, thanks for telling me!" and drove away.

Well, now that an attendant had frightened me the universe demands I return the favor. So, at the next booth I am getting ready to hand the attendant the change to pay the toll. For some reason, my arms takes a wide arc and I am slam my hand into the car door causing me to literally hurtle the change out of the car with a few coins landing on the street but a few coins also hitting her and the booth. She looked at me like I was crazy. So, instead of apologizing, I grabbed another 50 cents handed it to her and said "Don't worry about those!" Only again by said I mean YELLED and sped away.

If only on of these things happened I think I would still be worried about it. However, I am strangely at peace about the whole thing.

Coming Together in Crisis

2005-11-04T00:13:00.000-05:00

The cooperative nature of people when a traffic light goes out is a wonder of the human spirit. Normally on the road we could flick off a grandma and speed over a sack of kittens without a second thought and that's okay because everyone else has the same moral hierarchy.

But when a traffic light goes out everyone instinctively understands the "treat it is a four way stop" rule. People treat it even better than a normal four way stop. It's great when we have this moment in society when collectively we're all thinking, "Okay everybody, let's just calm down and we can handle this together. You go, and then you go, and now I go. Stay calm and we'll get through this." Do you ever even see police out there handling the situation? Nope - they know everyone will keep it cool.

On the other hand if it's clear the traffic lights just aren't changing, a rigid caste system takes hold. The people in the "green" lane are the clear superior traveling unfettered through the world. In fact, they will not even pause to look at the people in the "red" lane. The "red" lane people on the other hand, initially accept their lot in life and then become angry until the Moses of the drivers metaphorically screams out "Let my people go" and screams through the intersection with the rest of the cars following behind like a Capital One "What's in Your Wallet" Viking mob.

My Neighbor is Conservative, Smart, and Athletic

2005-11-03T10:42:00.000-05:00

How do I know this? Well, apparently he is on vacation and has decided to let the Wall Street Journal pile up outside his door. There are about six of them right now, one is in orange plastic bag, and I hope that's not because it's the Halloween Issue. The WSJ is better than that.

The weird part is the reason I know he is athletic. Along with the WSJs there is a pair of shoes outside the door. I can understand leaving your newspapers out even though it creates a risk of burglary - maybe you just forgot. But the shoes? How do you forget there are shoes outside your door. Also, what happened to them such they cannot even be in the house while he is on vacation. Maybe he thinks the shoes will dissuade robbers. "Hey, this guy is gone look at those newspapers. Oh wait, there are shoes. No one would just leave some shoes outside the door." Actually, it appears someone would.

I can't really complain though - I've left the phone book outside my door for a week. People probably don't think I'm out of the town. They probably just assume I don't have a spare drawer, and I have a computer, thus eliminating any need for the phone book unless I have a table that is very uneven.

Yahoo Headline Alert

2005-11-03T09:59:00.000-05:00

Sometimes Yahoo selects strange headlines for its front page. One of today's was "Scientists Find Fossils Fused in Sexual Union." First of all, this headline seems designed to sort of appeal to a Fifth grade level snickering prurient interest. "Hehe sexual union. They were probably doing it in a tar pit." But I couldn't resist reading it - after all were the two intrepid lovers doing it a traditional position, perhaps the first historical record of the "Angry Pirate" or "Mesopotamian Steamer," or maybe they were just doing it "Neanderthal Style."

None of the above, in fact, the article is actually about tiny swarm cells. The AP doesn't mention that until the third paragraph when it writes, "But voyeurs will need a microscope to view the eternal lovers." So, not only does the AP think you are gullible, it chastises you for being a pervert.

Conclusion: Yahoo thinks you are douche bag.

My DVD Player is Scarface

2005-11-03T09:28:00.000-05:00

My DVD Player won't go down without a fight.

I bought my first DVD player about 5 and a half years ago, so it doesn't work anymore. The DVDs skip and recently it just wouldn't start playing the movie "Saw" though it may have been trying to protect me. I discovered, however, when I pull the DVD out the DVD player had scratched the hell out of the back of it. I checked the DVD before hand and these certainly were not here. I know other people this has happened to as well as their players reach the end of their life.

I suppose most entertainment mediums perform the murder-suicide my DVD player did. After all, VCRs and cassettes can be "eaten" by the machine, but I'm not sure how this works in the DVD player. Perhaps it's a cabal between the DVD makers and manufacturers. "Hey, how about when your DVD player breaks, you take a couple DVDs down with it. That way I can sell a few more copies of Office Space."

When they were designing the DVD player was someone like, "We'll use lasers to read the DVDs," and someone else responded, "No, we'll use lasers and razor blades." I'm pretty sure the next generation of "Blu-Laser" DVDs will just vaporize the DVD and give you a paper cut when you open it up to see what happened.

Luckily, the DVDs my DVD player chewed up were rentals so I don't have to replace them. I can either return them quietly or complain that the DVD they rented to me was scratched and get a free rental.

On another note, I now understand why DVDs at the rental place are so scratched. I assumed that people for some reason thought by renting a DVD it gave them to right to use it as a coaster, frisbee, or simply throw it into gravel and kick it around. Rather, a whole generation of DVD players is going down and they're taking whoever they can with them.

In conclusion, my DVD player is a badass.

First Serious Post

2005-11-03T09:19:00.000-05:00

So, here's the first serious post about Constitutional theory.

Let's start with the concept of "strict scrutiny" in Equal Protection jurisprudence. The idea is if we use race as a classification the law must serve a "compelling government interest" and be "narrowly tailored" to reach its goal.

I think there is probably a third dimension to this test which I would call "velocity." Basically, a law has to approach it's "compelling government interest" with a reasonable velocity. For example, affirmative action vs. color-blind approach. The compelling government interest let's say is diversity in the classroom. The narrowly tailored or "least restrictive" approach would be the color-blind approach, because we could reasonably assume eventually the color blind approach would produce diversity. However, if we could demonstrate affirmative action accelerates the achievement of diversity in the classroom, we have a velocity problem. If one approaches the interest at 30 mph vs. 2 mph, I don't think the "least restrictive means" really gets to the end. However, if the difference is 30 mph vs. 25, it might be a different story.

Maybe the answer is how define the end. Perhaps the end is "diversity in the classroom with alacrity." But, how much can we define that - can we define a velocity floor such that any less restrictive program would have to at least as fast or faster?

In case you haven't figured it out, I don't know the answer to this question.

Bathroom Songs

2005-11-03T00:09:00.000-05:00

Two songs that would totally work to motivate you to go to the bathroom: if you listen to your Ipod in the bathroom.

U2 - Achtung Baby - Zoo Station - "I'm ready ... I'm ready for the push."
Queen - Another One Bites the Dust - "Out of the doorway the bullets rip."

A song that might help you chill out.

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb - "Now I got that feeling once again. I can't explain, you would not understand.
. . . This is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb."

Bathroom Politics #2

2005-11-02T23:52:00.000-05:00

I promise this is going to be brief. The topic: when is it acceptable to talk to someone in a public restroom? Seems like a tough question, but I think I've got it figured out.

You can only talk to someone if you are at an equal level of power.

If you are both washing your hands, fine. If you are both entering the restroom, fine. If you are both peeing fine. If you are both in a stall the theory sort of falls apart because you're going to have to yell to be heard and then everyone is going to hear you.

So, let's break down the other possibilities.

Washing Hands vs. Entering the Restroom : This is not all that bad. However, one of you is filthy and becoming clean, the other one is getting ready to get filthy. You're just two different people at this point.

Washing Hands vs. Peeing : Hmmmm. I have soap in my hands and you have something else in yours. Also, this is jarring. At this point, the hand washer is thinking about getting out of Dodge, while the peeer is just settling in. We're just not in the same place for his conversation.

Peeing vs. Stall : At this point you're going to have to get really loud. Unless you've just figured out something incredible and you have a Memento like memory problem I can't imagine the circumstances where we need to scream to another person in a public restroom.

I think this theory works even though I admit it is male-centric. My impression of what happens in Women's restrooms is governed by the pre-mercial at the movies where the two women compare and empathize with one another different stains on their shirts at the sink. At the end one woman buys non-staining cotton and instead of telling her "friend" about it, goes ice-cold bitch, shrugs her shoulders and walks out stain free. I'm not willing to get into those Machiavellian interactions at this point.

Acceptable Ipod Activity in the Bathroom

2005-11-02T23:40:00.000-05:00

Is it acceptable to use your Ipod in the bathroom? As an initial matter it seems like it should be, at least if you already have it plugged into your ears. However, if I saw you walk into the bathroom, stop, plug in your Ipod and head to the urinal or stall, I would be concerned. Do you need music to motivate you? Perhaps as a soothing influence to avoid stage fright?

I figured we could break down acceptable bathroom activity according to the five senses:

Visual - This is obviously acceptable. Everyone reads in the bathroom. Everything ever written has been read in the bathroom. Right now someone is reading a great work of literature. Someone else is reading the back of the shampoo bottle because there is nothing else to read, no time, and damn if it just doesn't feel right without something. (This happens at breakfast as well - the Wall Street Journal should publish on the back of cereal boxes)

Tactile & Olfactory - These are sort of unavoidable. But certainly, or at least hopefully, not recreational.

Taste - Eating while in the bathroom is an interesting proposition. Something just seems wrong, doesn't it? Assuming you can eat in the bathroom, what's acceptable? There seems to be a difference between a power bar and a turkey dinner, but I'm not sure where to draw the line. Can you imagine being in a stall and hearing someone unwrap a candy bar much less hear the sound of knife and fork together. I don't think eating in the bathroom is a good idea, but if I lived in a bathroom I would probably change my mind.

Audio - I don't know if the previous discussion resolved anything, but I bet it made some people have to go to the bathroom. Sorry, but it was inevitable so you can't really blame me. I think if you have the Ipod in, keep it in. You'd look like a germ freak if you took it off, though if your headphone cord touched the urinal and someone sees it washing your hands like a surgeon isn't going to help - you'll be seen as a dirty freak. If you just took out your Ipod when you went into the bathroom that raises some questions.

I don't have to go to the bathroom after writing this, but I'm afraid the next post is going to be about bathroom politics as well.

Purpose

2005-11-02T23:32:00.000-05:00

I thought I should use this initial post to explain the purpose behind this Blog. Basically, I wanted to share some thoughts about pop culture, legal theory, sociology, folk psychology, economics, politics, etc. My primary goal is to be amusing or at least thoughtful.

If this site becomes banal, boring, or repetitive I promise to delete it. Also, it will not sit idle. If anyone ever uses the word Blawg to describe this site, I will become quite distressed.

Grammar and spelling mistakes are bound to happen. I think for myself substantial editing and revision will lead to a lack of humor and or thoughtfulness.